Cents and Sensibility, Day 2. Going through withdrawal.

Yesterday I was so calm, so convicted.

Today, I went through a bit of a withdrawal.

I assume I'll get used to this, but today, all I wanted to do was to go somewhere, because I didn't have any agenda.

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm not very good at staying in one place for very long.

And today seemed like a very very long day.

I looked at the time at one point, and I was shocked when I saw that it was only a touch after noon.

It's not as if I didn't do anything today. I woke up to the scent of baking apples. Logan had made a tasty apple tart.

It was delicious.

And the best part was the crunchy edge part.

I took a walk, first thing this morning. I did laundry. I cleaned out part of my garage. I made an inventory list of our stuff. I surveyed my garden, and plucked the blooms off the tops of the arugula. I touched up the flaking paint on my front door.

I watched the tail end of a Nurse Jackie DVD. I watched last night's Daily Show and Colbert Report.

I played a bit of Sally's Spa on my iPhone. That game is way too captivating.

Logan made mashed potatoes for my friend Gigi's girls, who both had their wisdom teeth pulled today. And after having poured $33 of gas into my car on May 31, I decided to burn a bit, and we delivered the tasty taters to Robin and Megan this afternoon.

I drove nine miles today. Very uncharacteristic. It's usually much more.

Like an addict who sweats and fumes through their recovery, I grappled with the idea of doing nothing. Of relaxing.

I don't think I do that enough. I'm not very good at it.

I think I need to look at my need to accomplish stuff. I need to take a closer peek at my attachment to achievement as it relates to getting things done, as opposed to the inherent value of down-time.

I'm not quite there.

I'm working from home tomorrow, from 8 to 5. I intend to take a walk before I'm tethered to my desk for nine hours.

After that, I've made plans with Gigi.

I'm seeing, very gradually (and I don't think I've really seen it yet, fully) that there's a value in not having a plan.

But until I really figure that out, I do feel like I'm going through a bit of a withdrawal. A withdrawal from the need to keep going going going as a measure of my achievement.

It's not easy at this stage of the game; to be conscious of what it means to take myself out of the game for a while.

I felt caged today. A woman with no agenda, who's very accustomed to a full agenda.

I've compelled myself to be conscious of what I take for granted.

Movement. Untethered mobility. Infinite resources.

This withdrawal, despite today's ugly down-sides, may have something hidden deep beneath its murky surface that I need to figure out.

There might be some value that comes of this. The withdrawal.

Today, I'm not completely convinced.